Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Fearsome Evil of Google Now: A Tale of Looming Horrors

I am not mad nor should I be thought so. Of these portents I am just a chronicler. The reader will determine whether the tale to come portends great evil. I choose only to present it.

Upon this day in the Year of Our Lord 2___, Google released an intriguing product called Google Now. The search giant said Google Now would bring users "just the right information at the right time." Google Now would tell users the weather, give warnings about traffic conditions on the drive to work and do everything almost instantly. Google Now would use "cards" for alerts and Google said the cards would magically appear on your smart phone as soon as you needed them

It was a halcyon moment for the search giant and its introductory video a shining preview of the magicks to come! At the time I told myself I might even use the product when it became available on the iPhone.

Then--oh then, kind friend--I took note of the software-rendered subtitles accompanying the cheerful video introduction to the product.

They were like unto blood-chilling warnings from the mind of a demon-haunted madman. With great presence of mind I reviewed the video again, capturing images to preserve the tell-tale evidence. Herein I set it down for future generations to see. See, and judge for themselves.

The video began with a whispered warning of "fearsome evil." How could this be? Since its birth Google's expressed intent was "Don't be evil." I leaned closer as the video played, feverishly reading these titles and ignoring the mellifluous tones of the narrator, who was reading from a different, much more presentable text!

As a shaman chants in his ecstasies so the subtitles continued! A random warning hurled up from the machine followed, conflating medicine and Playstation. Rapt, I wondered, but the words were tripping along too quickly for me to founder and ponder anonce.

And here was the call. The charge to your narrator, to the hero, to go, go to the mountain and tell you... what? Pornography? Perplexed and cold in the marrow of my very bones I read on unblinking, a grand dread for the future taking dark shape in my loins.

It was then that I heard you, Google Now Introductory video. I understood! The Japanese Underground believed I dissented and did fearsome evil with my medicinal Playstation! I would do as you command and go to the mountain to hide and watch shamanic pornography!

Here I was jarred by the change in narrative. I did not understand, Google Now Introductory video... so I paused and thought long, drinking contemplatively from a delicious soda as I did so. "A-HA!" I ejaculated at once, tipping my soda and sending my black cat Bellatrix in harrowing flight across the floor, "I understand!" And I did--the connective tissue among all these prophecies and portents was watching sports team results in real time! Surely it was so!

My prior revelations were rattled by this warning--now that I'd managed to synthesize the narrative and understood the connections between mountains of pornography, medicinal Playstation, sports teams and the fearsome evil of Google, I sensed the Introductory video subtitles were warning me--I would experience tailgating. Perhaps from Google Street View camera cars piloted by impassive drivers clad in black suits. Or worse, clowns! My horror and dread crested, a surging tide within my belly...

... a tide that found its most awful, final revelation in this plain white screen, which passed almost too quickly for me to halt and capture.

You may take whatever measures you need to stop the fearsome evils to come, the Google Now Introductory video was telling me--go to the mountain, watch pornography, seek surcease from my anguish in the medicine of a Playstation--but in the end, you are just a writer in the media.

A lone creature gazing at the monolith as it towers, a great wave in slow crest.

Try and warn who you may, the video seemed to say, but know they will only say you're just some blogger. Some Playstation-suckling, mountain porn-consuming blogger.

So I lay this all out for you, dear reader, in hopes that you shall see it even if I am gone, and know. Know I saw the fearsome evil to come. Know that I am hopefully safe upon some mountain somewhere with a Playstation and pornography.

Hopefully you've read this in time. There is still room in this redoubt. If you have some idea of where to go to keep yourself safe, use Google Maps to get the most direct route.

* The preceding blog post was found on a flash drive in the rubble of Mr. Huff's residence. Scholars have been unable to determine the nature of the madness that prompted him to fashion such a narrative. They believe deviled ham played a role, though arcane Japanese symbols were found scrawled in a nearby alley. 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I am not sure...

... Why I have made the whole blogging thing so complicated for myself for so long. I mean, it's how I established myself as a writer. My blogging led to an actual writing career--the very first career I dreamed of as a kid.

It's probably that I established myself in a subject that is inherently controversial and, well, negative--crime. Worse, still, I was pretty good at writing about it, or I never would have gotten paid gigs. But the darkness got to me. It fused with an already deeply depressive streak in my personality and at what should have been the height of my career as a crime writer--an appearance on a popular TV news magazine, CBS's 48 Hours Mystery--I realized I really hated what I was doing. I didn't hate writing. That's what I'm most meant to do. I hated being a "true crime writer" of any stripe. I hated that I'd let the subject take me over, dominate so much of my thinking.

But because I'd established a strong online identity as a true crime writer/blogger, I developed a general love-hate thing with blogging. It was manifested by constant changes of blog address and difficulty producing content in general.

But ah, fuck it. Blogging is writing. I know that. I'm sure I've written ridiculously long blog posts about it, in the past.

Weirdly, my family's move to New England seems to have jiggered loose the massive block that was threatening not just personal writing pursuits like this blog and fiction I never share but even my paid work. I'm embracing that. It's my job. It's what I have to do, aside from staying alive and in good health so I can be around for my wife and kids.

So this blog will updated more often. Probably not with anything too serious, but with, uh, writing and stuff.

NOTE: Hardcore bloggers into blogging trends may wonder, by the way, "why blogspot?" 

Well, Wordpress is more stylish and has nicer looking templates. Tumblr is super-trendy. Jux is beautiful, but pretty limited at the moment, from the creator's standpoint. Blogger, simply put, lets you do more shit. And in a way, I feel like I'm fucking with some sort of vague blogging standard by using Blogger. It's not, for lack of a better word, "cool" right now. Even though it's actually the most flexible content creation blogging platform by far, next to Wordpress's self-installed software. So that's why I've settled, finally, on using my Blogspot address, kids--I'm a rebel. A loner. An idiot. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Settling In

We are settling in, a long way from The South where I grew up.

It's generally cooler here. Heat waves in the Summer may only last a few days--instead of being the Summer.

The Sun rises more than an hour earlier than I'm accustomed to. That alone is surreal.

People have different accents, different ways of dealing with you.

Still, today I ran, I went to the grocery, I did all the same prosaic things I did in Georgia.

I am sure I'll feel a sense of dislocation for some time to come. There will be new things to be annoyed by, be a smartass about. But I'm surprised at how much I like the change. How it already seems to suit me.

Maybe it's just that it's all very strange and new. And I've always loved the strange.

Monday, June 18, 2012

I live in a different place now...

I live 1000 miles from all the places I've known and much of my family. Everything here is familiar yet strange. And I love it.

(Also, while I'm sticking with the blogging from my phone, I decided it was time to make a decision and stick with one "Steve Huff" personal blog. Blogger won out, for reasons I'll explain later, even though no 1 curr.)

Monday, June 4, 2012

Feel like I should use this

Been doing this thing where I only blog certain things from the phone. That's what I'm doing here.

I have the address. Seems I should use it.