The Fearsome Evil of Google Now: A Tale of Looming Horrors

I am not mad nor should I be thought so. Of these portents I am just a chronicler. The reader will determine whether the tale to come portends great evil. I choose only to present it.

Upon this day in the Year of Our Lord 2___, Google released an intriguing product called Google Now. The search giant said Google Now would bring users "just the right information at the right time." Google Now would tell users the weather, give warnings about traffic conditions on the drive to work and do everything almost instantly. Google Now would use "cards" for alerts and Google said the cards would magically appear on your smart phone as soon as you needed them

It was a halcyon moment for the search giant and its introductory video a shining preview of the magicks to come! At the time I told myself I might even use the product when it became available on the iPhone.

Then--oh then, kind friend--I took note of the software-rendered subtitles accompanying the cheerful video introduction to the product.

They were like unto blood-chilling warnings from the mind of a demon-haunted madman. With great presence of mind I reviewed the video again, capturing images to preserve the tell-tale evidence. Herein I set it down for future generations to see. See, and judge for themselves.

The video began with a whispered warning of "fearsome evil." How could this be? Since its birth Google's expressed intent was "Don't be evil." I leaned closer as the video played, feverishly reading these titles and ignoring the mellifluous tones of the narrator, who was reading from a different, much more presentable text!

As a shaman chants in his ecstasies so the subtitles continued! A random warning hurled up from the machine followed, conflating medicine and Playstation. Rapt, I wondered, but the words were tripping along too quickly for me to founder and ponder anonce.

And here was the call. The charge to your narrator, to the hero, to go, go to the mountain and tell you... what? Pornography? Perplexed and cold in the marrow of my very bones I read on unblinking, a grand dread for the future taking dark shape in my loins.

It was then that I heard you, Google Now Introductory video. I understood! The Japanese Underground believed I dissented and did fearsome evil with my medicinal Playstation! I would do as you command and go to the mountain to hide and watch shamanic pornography!

Here I was jarred by the change in narrative. I did not understand, Google Now Introductory video... so I paused and thought long, drinking contemplatively from a delicious soda as I did so. "A-HA!" I ejaculated at once, tipping my soda and sending my black cat Bellatrix in harrowing flight across the floor, "I understand!" And I did--the connective tissue among all these prophecies and portents was watching sports team results in real time! Surely it was so!

My prior revelations were rattled by this warning--now that I'd managed to synthesize the narrative and understood the connections between mountains of pornography, medicinal Playstation, sports teams and the fearsome evil of Google, I sensed the Introductory video subtitles were warning me--I would experience tailgating. Perhaps from Google Street View camera cars piloted by impassive drivers clad in black suits. Or worse, clowns! My horror and dread crested, a surging tide within my belly...

... a tide that found its most awful, final revelation in this plain white screen, which passed almost too quickly for me to halt and capture.

You may take whatever measures you need to stop the fearsome evils to come, the Google Now Introductory video was telling me--go to the mountain, watch pornography, seek surcease from my anguish in the medicine of a Playstation--but in the end, you are just a writer in the media.

A lone creature gazing at the monolith as it towers, a great wave in slow crest.

Try and warn who you may, the video seemed to say, but know they will only say you're just some blogger. Some Playstation-suckling, mountain porn-consuming blogger.

So I lay this all out for you, dear reader, in hopes that you shall see it even if I am gone, and know. Know I saw the fearsome evil to come. Know that I am hopefully safe upon some mountain somewhere with a Playstation and pornography.

Hopefully you've read this in time. There is still room in this redoubt. If you have some idea of where to go to keep yourself safe, use Google Maps to get the most direct route.

* The preceding blog post was found on a flash drive in the rubble of Mr. Huff's residence. Scholars have been unable to determine the nature of the madness that prompted him to fashion such a narrative. They believe deviled ham played a role, though arcane Japanese symbols were found scrawled in a nearby alley.